Running Banned After Prominent Cleric Declares Marathons Haram
KUALA LUMPUR - Pandemonium struck the Malaysian running community this week as prominent cleric Dr. Zul issued a fatwa declaring marathons 'haram' for Muslims to participate in if sponsored by riba-practicing banks.
His proclamation led to mass hysteria, as Muslims spat out their Nike running shoes and hurled their bibs into bonfires. Aspiring marathoners dropped to their knees, ripping their 'Run For Hope' t-shirts to shreds as they begged for forgiveness for their gravely sinful 5K fun runs.
"We thought anthem protests were controversial, but banning marathons takes the cake," said one shaken observer. "Will Muslims have to stop walking altogether to avoid accidental jogging?"
The ruling threw the fittest believers into an existential tailspin. "So I guess my fitness tracker is haram too? What do I do now, only walk 4,999 steps a day?" lamented one dilettante marathon trainee.
Clerics are still debating other forms of exercise and activity that could potentially violate the marathon fatwa. "If sprinting is forbidden, are Muslims allowed to speed walk?" asked one breathless sheikh as he power-walked on a treadmill. "And at what speed does power walking become prohibited speed running?"
Authorities are recommending believers stick to low-impact activities like stretching, yoga, and languid mall walking while further rulings are made. Progressive clerics have proposed organizing 'halal marathons' sponsored by Islamic banks or even crowd-funded on Kickstarter.
For now, running shoes are being repurposed as casual walking shoes, race medals are being melted down and recast into pendants that say 'Haram', and people who accidentally jog across the street are atoning with 100 push-ups.
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